So.... lately I've been struggling. On June 27th, 2011
THIS HAPPENED . Next month will be the two year 'anniversary' if you can really call it that. I read the post above, and I see such hope. Such peace. It was my Father in Heaven, and possibly a little bit of the pain meds talking ? ! Things have changed again, and right now, I'm dealing with guilt. You see, when I wrote the post on things being upside down and inside out, I had hope. Now , coming up on two years, I am trying to begin to accept the fact that this isn't going to get better. Not physically at least. The excruciating pain is still there. Even with medications, more injections, talks of surgery and spinal cord stimulators etc, the pain is still there. It seems that it is going to be with me for the rest of my life. So, I believe it is time to come to grips with it, and accept it.
The guilt is overwhelming me at this point. I woke up this morning... feeling the guilt just hitting me. Then I remembered another point in my life when I was feeling this way. I hurried to my computer and I pulled up
THIS POST and was amazed at how much my Father in Heaven had helped me at that time. I decided to start re-reading 'Heaven is Here' by Stephanie Nielsen, a book that has inspired me to no end! I decided to immerse myself in Scripture Study. I decided to snuggle my kids super hard today! I remembered... that I had hope. Life isn't the same. It's NEVER going to be the same. But I'm going to be ok. Guilt sucks. Pain sucks. Life can suck sometimes. But I can't lose my hope. I can't worry myself to death. I need to live. I need to be thankful. I am blessed.
Is there anyone else out there dealing with guilt or loss of hope or trials? I'm sure there is.... we are here on this earth to be tried.... Wanna share your story or some trinkets of hope with me???
Love, JL~
A Picture of Hope to share with you:
Our resident cardinal couple Norm and Ethel are the proud parents of five beautiful babies! Their nest was kept safe in a bush by our dining room window during the tornado last week. Two huge ginormous pine trees were ripped out of the ground, pulling the power to our home and so much other damage... but this precious little nest of babies was kept safe. Hope!!!!
3 comments:
I'm so glad that I stumbled upon your blog today! I think we all have times when our hope fails and we feel like life just sucks. I've been dealing with those feelings off and on for about a year. I think you are on the right track! Reading scriptures, saying prayers, looking for the good, are all things that help us feel hopeful (and close to the spirit) again. I just read an article from last General Conference, "Come unto Me" by Henry B. Eyring. The point that I got was that when we take the time to draw near to God, He will draw near to us and fill us with that hope and faith we need so much. I also have to tell you that yesterday, my daughter brought in an egg she found under a tree. She wanted to take care of it, but I told her whatever was in there was probably dead. But, much to our delight and surprise, a tiny beak poked through, and 5 hours later a little baby dove lay exhausted in our tank. I've never watched a bird hatch first hand, and I was fascinated with the process, and also felt a kinship to this little living thing struggling to push its way out. Did you know that the act of pushing itself out of the egg is what forms and strengthens the muscles that will allow it to survive outside the egg? WIthout the shell to push through, the bird would be too weak to survive. I can't help but feel emotional when i consider the courage and strength any living thing endures when it pushes through any hard trial. . . . Hope. keep going! And I will, too! (I'll be blogging about this [with pictures] soon! so check back on my blog!)
I just read 2 Nephi chapter 4 - the "Psalm of Nephi." I love his eloquence as he talks about his guilt over his failures and his humanity. At the same time he talks of his immense trust in the Lord that all will be right. That has really lifted me up in the last few days, dealing with the uncertainty of having a job. I also love the sermons that Christ gives the Nephites - especially 3 Nephi chapter 22. He tells us that the mountains may depart and the hills shall be removed, but His kindness will not depart from us. No matter what comes our way, He is always there. All we have to do is ask.
I just had to comment and say I know how you feel. I call it "chronic guilt" to go with the chronic health problems, it's so difficult to deal with. I'd love to say I've conquered the issue and have some awesome advice, but I haven't and I don't. I just take things one day at a time enjoying as much as I can, while I can, otherwise things can be overwhelming.
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